Realizations and Goodbyes
by mammary calamity
Summary: After so many years, sometimes you have to let go of your childhood crush. But letting go doesn't mean you ever stop loving them. It's just a matter of saying goodbye. Helga writes in her journal to try and sort out her feelings. One-shot.


Hello! It's nice to meet you all. This is my first published fanfiction. I tend to get bored easily, so a lot of stories I've started get pushed aside for my next idea. Now that I've paved the way with this story though, I hope to start publishing more. I'll be seeing more of you in the future!

I do not own Hey Arnold

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She stared at the journal in front of her, racking her mind for something to put onto the blank paper. Normally she was overflowing with enough words and poetry to fill volumes, but when it came to this, she was at a loss.

Recent events had caused Helga to go see her old child psychiatrist, Dr. Bliss, earlier that week. She had a regular psychiatrist that she saw on occasion, but no one knew about the subject of her current predicament better than Bliss.

Dr. Bliss told Helga to write about her feelings in a journal and bring it to her next session to discuss what she discovered about herself. She agreed, but didn't realize how hard it would be to put what she was feeling into words. As she got older, she found it easier to push her emotions into a deep, unreachable place in her mind. Now she couldn't find a way to access them again.

Helga sighed and pressed a purple pen onto the paper.

_He called me the other day. I haven't spoken to him in years, but I've still admired him from afar. When he moved away, I was crushed. It took a long time, but I was able to live without him for once in my life. So finally, when he returned, I didn't need him anymore. Believe me, I wanted him, more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, but I could finally breathe on my own._

_When he called and I heard his voice again after all these years, my heart about stopped. I recognized it instantly, though it was deeper than I remembered. I felt my face start to heat up until he told me why he called. After that, my whole body grew cold and numb. It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. I was so cold, but it felt like my insides were liquifying._

_He told me he was getting married. He said it's so good to hear from me again. It'd been so long. He said he missed me and he didn't know why we had stopped contact. He said he'd love for me to come to the ceremony. But the whole time he was talking, I was frozen. I had longed to hear that voice that saved me so many times, but now it was killing me._

_I told him I wouldn't miss it for the world, and I meant it. His happiness was my number 2 priority. Number 1 just included me being a part of his happiness. I always wanted to look after him, whether it was by his side or a thousand miles apart. I just never imagined I'd have to give him to someone else to look after._

_I tried not to think about my feelings for him too much. Those were hidden somewhere deep in my mind anyway, but now that he's resurfaced into my life, they are fighting their way back out. And, as much as I hate to admit it for fear of completely losing it, I still love him._

Helga blinked. She hadn't acknowledged her love for him since he moved back.

_After 20 years of our meeting for the first time, I am still in love with him._

A voice in the back of her head taunted her. '_Who?_ ' Her hand shook as she started to write a familiar yet entirely alien name on the page. She hadn't spoken, written, even thought his name in years. Without saying his name, it was easy to keep her feelings locked away. But with each letter she wrote out, she felt the lock being picked apart, until, finally, she saw his name written in her journal again, and it broke into pieces.

_Arnold._

Things she kept hidden in the depths of her mind sprang forward, causing her heart to jump.

_Arnold._ She wrote again, and more emotions she forgot about assaulted her. A tear she never felt forming dropped onto the paper, causing purple ink to fade into smudgy pink words. She continued writing, enjoying the rush of nostalgia even though some of it hurt.

_Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold._

With every name she wrote, more tears fell onto the paper, and more feelings for her beloved emerged.

_Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold. Arnold._

Helga continued with this pattern for hours, filling up all the pages in her journal. She wrote his name in all caps, all lowercase, some with shaky, fearful handwriting and others with romantic cursive. On one page his name was written so small all over it just looked like dots from afar. In the next page Arnold's name was written only once, but effectively filling the entire space.

As the pages were filled, the wet splotches from her tears became less frequent until they stopped altogether. Her writing became less frantic. Her hand ached terribly but she couldn't stop yet.

When she reached the last page in her journal, she wrote a single word in the middle of the page. A smile graced her lips, which slowly evolved into a small, genuine laugh. She suddenly felt so light, her mind so open. She took one last look at the final page and closed the journal, sealing it with a kiss.

_Goodbye._


End file.
